Alex + Emily Knutson

Role of a dad from a, now, fathers perspective

To play the role of being present but also not there. That is the role of a father. Follow me for a moment. To really allow your child to flourish in life a father needs to implant, support, love, inspire, comfort, encourage, and push for uncomfortable with knowing there is safety on the other side. And then allow the child to swim on their own. It's fully uncomfortable, scary, and unknown. As a child, standing on that edge with deep cold waters in front of you. But then there is this being. This source of comfort and trust. That is encouraging us to jump, to take that leap of faith. And before we know it we are having the times of our life, all day long swimming until we are ravished for food, and then back in again for more fun and adventure. It all would not have happened though, without that wonderful encouragement, safety, comfort, and trust of knowing your arms are wide open and will catch me. That is who you have been for me Dad. You have been a beacon of trust. Big strong arms of true comfort. An encourager for me to take risks knowing you are there to catch me if anything goes wrong.

Perforated Business Card

I can still feel it. The edges were bumpy. The colors were sunset hues of reds and burnt orange. I can remember it printing out and peeling off the gutters. It was mine. My own enterprise. The endless possibilities of the future are ahead of me. My own business card. You saw something in me from an early age and you fertilized it knowing what it could bloom into. It was such a sweet memory and looking back one of the first times I can recount being seen by you. You supported me in a way that was uniquely me. Like a special flower in the yard. You saw my uniqueness and gave it special attention that was tailored just to me. You doubled down in the area of big possibilities for me showing me the foundational needs for my gifting set. The special thing to me is now knowing you, you did this prayerfully. You were specific in your prescription about where you invested in me.

Teaching Me How To Invest

I wanted it so bad. To clean it, to ride it, the adventures, the freedom, the pride. I can still remember the day, picking out the right one -  my own chrome GT Interceptor. I can not remember saving the money, or the pangs of spending it, but I do remember you teaching me the value of the investment. I remember you teaching me to save and when the time came you took me to buy it. You were there to coach and guide me. There were other things in my childhood that I wanted.  The dirt bike. I remember saving and saving, and every time I thought I had enough you reminded me of another hurdle. Once I have the bike, I needed a truck to take it somewhere, there was another component to the purchase I did not foresee. Without telling me, you brought to light what was a bad investment. I love how you guided me through this to teach me to think. Those foundational years of learning how and when to use my money still ring true in how I make decisions today. When to use money and when not to. Years later, you shared that you did this to keep me from getting involved with the dirt bike crowd. I did not see that one bit. And THAT is your genius. You had the intention of saving me from a bad social investment vs what I had seen as purely bad financial investment. What sweetness and comfort that you cared so much to know, act, and be intentional through not just bad financial investments but also bad soul investments.

Gotta Get the Whole Thing

The sun is out, there is a to-do list forming, there are tools prepared like an arsenal of weapons, and there is a canvas to paint. Oh, how I love that you passed on the genetic love for yard work. There always comes that inevitable problem of having those pesky weeds that would make most gardeners annoyed. But not me. They cause me to pause and smile. Their enjoyment stems from the gentle reminder of you. In how you poetically found the perfect analogy of the parable that is prevailing in life and its relationship to weeds. I have begun sharing this same parable with my own boys now.  You have to get the root. If you do not get the roots, they only come back stronger. You can not just pull the parts that you see, you have to be conscientious of getting it all out. How true you were with this analogy to life. How often do I try the quick fix and it resurfaces? I feel fortunate that I have a wife today that loves to cultivate a garden of life. She is patient with me and loves to cultivate a clean soul. But it is your analogy that gives me peace and grace in this process of digging them out. Almost like one of the seeds that you planted very early, so when the uncomfortable part begins to arise in me, there is comfort in going back to what you said about getting the root and knowing that this is what you were talking about.

Arkansas Adventures

I had to sit on a pillow. You had me put on my white sunglasses to look older. You did not need to tell me how to do it, but rather instead gave me the opportunity. And when we started to get up to speed you sat back with confidence and encouraged me to go faster. Our trip to Arkansas was one of those trips that taught me about the joys and the indulgence of life. There is adventure exploration, and there is crab. You did such a good job of making me feel special and the excitement that life can bring. I remember the joy of conversation. Just two guys talking and eating, and adventuring. It was one of those experiences that I just cherish of being together, finding adventure, and wrangling in the fun. It gave me the space to ask questions and know that you were there for me.

Being seen in my Disappointment

Nothing is harder than when you fail when you have given it your all. I had 8 months invested. I earned my spot. I had conditioned my body, done the hard work of learning the plays, taken on something that scared the heck outta me. I felt excitement meet preparation. And when it came game time, I had to sit the bench. I felt all the life being sucked out of me. I remember walking through the door, I saw you out of the corner of my eye sitting at the dining table. And you made the choice to say, 'come here.' It was a gentle invitation. Oh, I did not want to let it out. I knew if i did, it would all come out. I reluctantly came to the table and sat down. Feeling seen when I wanted so bad to hide in my own pity.  It only took three of your words to crack, what I thought was my impenetrable shell, "What's going on?" It all came out, the feeling of disappointment of having shins splints made it so I had to sit the bench. All that I worked for felt lost, but in the embrace of your comfort the tears I shed became tears of relief. You took the time to check on me. You encouraged me when I needed it most. And you saw all this in the quick glimpse of me walking by you. It was so special for me to feel comforted, seen, and understood in that moment of sheer frustration. You did it all with gentleness and wisdom. Not allowing me to pity myself but give grace and encouragement to keep going.

Your Word?

'You're word?' That one cut to my core. I knew I had let you down. I knew I had been disobedient. I knew. I knew I never wanted to do that again. It was such a silly choice looking back to stay out past curfew. But it was the note on the mirror that built something in me that I do not want to experience in life again. It still is amazing to me that two words could say so much. I want to be a man. In order to be a man, your yes's must yes's and no's be no's. I want to be a man of integrity. A man that you can trust and be relied upon. In that one instance, I felt the power of how fragile choices I make can impact the trust others have in me. But it is the way you did it that was gracious, not in anger, but in tact. You knew how to speak my language to help me understand the deeper concepts of life. For me to truly flourish in life I must be a man of my word.

Become Whom You Want To Attract

We were cruising down 395. On that single lane. I was in the back seat. I can not remember who was in the front seat. I can not remember what was shared or how we got on the topic. Frustrated and wanting something I had not yet received. While passing cars on the single-lane death freeway you said it without the guise of poetry. Without trying to sound wise. Instead, it came across as clear as a headline. 'Become whom you want to attract." It changed the whole way I thought about dating. I can still remember how impactful it was when I heard it. So simple, yet so profound; it altered the way I thought about the whole thing. I can remember sitting in a daze, just staring out the window of the passing desert...who do I want to attract? This simple mental shift changed it all for me. What a blessing to have a wise father that gives you sound advice that challenges you and as a result breeds a life full of wonder.

Investing in my Most Precious

Mom handed me the phone, 'it's Heidi', she wants to say hi. With the flurry of trying to understand what was happening and why I was being shoved a phone. It was almost like it was all orchestrated. I accept the phone, I say 'hello' and then I see it happen. You say something to Emily and you both walk out the garage door. I slam my hand over the receiver and intensely ask mom, 'where are they going!?' I am not even sure we have been at the house for an hour and already you were investing in Emily. You have always made those intentional asks. You invest in what I am investing in. You and Emily started a lovely friendship that day. I remember hearing you asked her about her parent's divorce... at the time I cringed. You have known her for 5 minutes and you dive that deep?!! Now, wow, you could not have played that card better. Emily loves getting to the heart of people and you spoke her language right away. What a treat it has been for my dad and my wife to have such a close relationship. That is one of those surprise blessings that God has given me.

Spiritually digging within each other's foxholes

You call it 'Power 4'... I call it my Unit! It is one of those things that I have heard and done. What beauty has blossomed in my life because of My Unit. When I had my group in San Diego post-college, it was one of the fondest times with My Unit. We were disciplined in meeting regularly, we vulnerably encouraged each other, and loved each other deeply. We all still talk about how special that season was. I like the military aspect of talking about My Unit because I see life as something worth fighting for. Something you have to be tactical about, something you have to be prepared for, something you have to do with others. I have always felt that you are in the trenches with me. I feel immense comfort in that. Your wisdom, your character, your choices, have made you someone I want next to me in this battle of life.  I feel blessed because it is almost like you have my foxhole dug out for me and when life is crazy I can jump in your deep hole to escape the firefight around me. I can feel safety, wisdom, and clarity, to keep going to push for the next mission. The next chapter. the next battle. 

Just two dudes, in their under ware, rocking away

Emily is about to give birth. Mom whispers to me. 'Becks has the flu, I gotta go help dad.' Come to find out, he sure did have the flu. Mom reports back, 'Al, I came back to your house only to find both Dad and Beckham in their underwear sitting in the rocking chair. Beckham had proceeded to puke all over, you threw the clothes in the washer and took the opportunity to just comfort my son. You seized the moment to just hold him. When I had the moment to call, you did not complain about being thrown up on or having to call mom to come help. Nope. With immense joy in your voice you shared how lucky you were to just be able to rock your grandson for a day. It is that kind of perspective and love that just melts my heart. That was a special time for you two. And you knew it at the moment and you soaked it up, throwup and all.  Learning to see life through that lens and taking that type of perspective is not just something to be admired but also mimicked.

Cigar Nights

I felt it at the moment. Fully connected. A total God moment. 'Just Another Dream'. I called you at 10 pm, 'you up? wanted to have a smoke?'. Your response “I'll grab the cigars and whiskey. Meet you outside in 5".  Under the Mammoth stars, we sat and soaked. I think we both realized in the moment and looking back, it does not get better than this. I think we soaked it for all that we could. With no topic untouched, dreaming about what God's kingdom looks like, processing life's mysteries together, laughing at the ridiculousness of situations. It was just the best. But I talk about that time in detail because it is so vibrant in my mind. We have since had our sticks in the desert, at my house, with our wives, without our wives, on vacation. It's been that 'thing' that I look forward to with you. It's an unhurried, distraction-free, time to just connect. My favorite.

Business package mindset

You saw something and acted upon it. You recognized something in Beckham and you went for it. You did for him what you did for me. You made him feel seen and encouraged. His own business card, wallet, and money box. You took something he treasured and made it meaningful. With going the extra mile, the idea of money management, the through of giving to others.  This is one of those examples of how you are constantly looking for ways to love and invest in others. You pray about it, you plan, and then you execute. The way that you have done this for me, and then my son, in our foundational years, it set the grooves for us to try and do that for others. This is something I want to absorb from you. To be looking and prayerfully ready to invest and make others feel seen.

You Became a Friend to My Best Friend

I have come to adopt  your idea of seeking out good men in my life. 'Find those guys and start a power4.' As I heeded that advice I became closer with Barnaby. Then all of a sudden before I know it you two start to become buddies. It is a result of good dudes getting together, and it is like hey I want to be friends with that guy too. You found a friend in my friend. But better yet, my friend found a father in you. Barnaby just loves you. You have imprinted upon him. You have openly loved him like your own son. You see his potential and you push him closer to our Father. Could there not be a better gift than that? A friendship between your best bud and your dad. That they spend time talking and catching up. It is one of those treasured gifts you possess, to just love and invest in those around you. It is one of those qualities that I see and say I want to do that. I want to pervade in those whom I love invest in.

Phone Transfer

I have seen this cancer journey as an opportunity. An opportunity to do a transfer. I see it as the window to do a download. Like when you used to get a new phone, they would plug two phones into a machine and transfer all the stuff, the settings, the apps, and the preferences from the old phone to the new phone. That is how I have viewed this season. How can I download all your settings and preferences into my being? I feel so connected with you these days and it has been the most special gift. Through sharing my writings with you or our late-night chats. I feel like I am doing the data validation of if I am on the right track: Am I seeing God from the right perspective? Is this how I really follow Jesus? Is this how you would raise your kids? Is this how you would prioritize work?  It has been such a special season for me with you. I feel synced with you in that I understand so much more. I trust that our validation is proving to give me more and more confidence in what and how you would handle life's challenges.

These are only a few highlights of how you have fathered, loved, and invested in me. There is so much more beauty ingrained and imprinted in my soul, my hear, and my mind. You gave me the playbook of a true father by simply being one to me. I love you Pops!

On December 22 we said goodbye to Rano. My beloved father in law. He filled a hole in my heart for the 12 blessed years I got to know him. He loved me like his own daughter. The first time we met, I had known him less than an hour when he said, unbeknownst to Alex, “Hey, let’s go to the grocery store to pick up dinner.” We got in the car and drove to the store and the first question he asked me was, “Tell me about your relationship with Jesus. Tell me about your family.” And I did. Talk about the ultimate Meet Cute. 

I’ll never forget walking through the grocery store with this funny, direct man, sharing my story that he so intently wanted to hear. I trusted him. And in sharing my story, he trusted me. He brought me into his family under the wings of his son- my husband. He married us at the alter, bonding us in marriage. Blessing us with the sacredness of unity. Challenging us to find the bids in our marriage to become closer. He laughed with us. Counseled us. Prayed over his grandchildren and rocked my babies for years. I always laughed after those days he spent with my babies because they smelled like his cologne. He had the “best chest in the west” as his babies and grand babies fell into the comfort of his embrace, leaving his scent behind as a memory of those treasured moments. His presence was calm and goofy and so sweet. He carried us for over a decade. His legacy is deep within our family. 

I miss him. I’ll never forget him holding Stella and singing to her the first time they met and I’ll surely never forget his last words to me, while teetering on the border of heaven and earth, he said to me in the most beautiful whisper, “Love you Emmy”.